One of life’s great mysteries was recently put to rest as a girl walking through Target announced to her friend over her cell phone that she was looking for kite sting—”like, the most random thing in the world.” America can now sleep that much more peacefully with this final declaration in place.

A group of scientists who had been working on the same problem expressed some relief at the discovery, though many couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed at being beat out. “I thought for sure it had to be driving to the state border at 1 A.M., or telling a joke with no context, or something like that. I guess the simplicity of it eluded me,” reflected one. “Yeah, I thought it was telling a joke with no context,” agreed another.

The discovery has garnered excited reactions from youth everywhere. “I hadn’t even thought about it in a while,” a kid named Derek mused, “I had given up hope, honestly, of ever really knowing. I guess the best things in life really are free.” A big group of kids wearing black and pink was spotted celebrating by talking loudly in a local mall, before their parents came to pick them up. Another lamented, “I thought it was drinking a whole thing of Mountain Dew at two in the morning. Two in the morning! Guess I was wrong.” A girl buying glittery shoes rolled her eyes at the news and sighed. “Finally. This was like half of my texting bill. The mystery is solved at last.” Or is it? An older, wiser type made the observation that “actually, she said that kite string is like the most random thing in the world, so the most random thing could really be a shoelace, or spaghetti, or really thin rope.”

In a fiery display of – something – an unidentified man lit himself on fire in front of the capital last week. “It was an incredible spectacle,” said an onlooking under grad student. “It really inspired me to do…something; just get involved; raise my voice.”

The protester drew a good bit of attention, but sort of failed to communicate. “That’s OK, it’s more beautiful that way,” said an English professor who took a break from teaching a class on the capital lawn to watch the blaze. “It raises so many wonderful questions-big questions, important questions, questions that could beat you up – and since he’s dead now, he won’t be able to give any answers, which means useless,
conclusionless debate, which means I have a job.”

The protester yelled something just before he lit his match, but no one really understood what he said, because he screamed it so loudly. One person thought he heard “get psyched!” “No, dude, it was ‘get pumped,’” argued his friend. “I remember; I was there.” “Well, I guess I could have heard it wrong, but I really thought he said ‘psyched.’” “No, you’re wrong. I clearly remember him saying ‘get pumped.’” “Why do you always have to be right?” “Because I’m older, which means I am right,” their conversation continued. There was also a rumor going around that he had yelled “the South is avenged!”, but no one gave that story much credibility aside from one guy who had a Confederate flag tattooed on his face, who later took the gas can the protester had used back to his home, where he used it to write “The South Is Avenged!” in flames on his front lawn.

In one interesting development, the protester was discovered to have given away his iPod to a complete stranger before ending his life. “He said he thought it would be a shame to destroy something as beautiful as an iPod. It’s only a Shuffle, though; cheapskate,” said a sort of happy child. Some of the music on the iPod included System of a Down, Lindsay Lohan, and Rage Against the Machine, as well as a few tracks from Audioslave.

A crowd lingered thoughtfully for a while but before dispersing, taking with them the various lessons inadvertently taught to them by this flaming man on a mission. “It’s a rich thing to ponder,” said the English professor, also mumbling something about the human condition. “And now, there is brand new opportunity for my colleagues and me to have conversations in which we make personal cuts on each other and make it seem like we’re simply obeying reason.” The student found fresh inspiration for his life through this man’s death. “I will do my best to honor the memory of this brave man. I mean, this is my generation, we’ve got to let people know, that hey, we’re here, like it or not, and I’m going to shout it in your face, because even if I don’t know what ‘it’ is, my soul is disappearing, and it’s your fault, because you’re older, and shouting makes my soul feel like it’s not disappearing as fast.” A television screenwriter working for the local news station remarked, “he believed, and that’s what matters. He has shown us the importance of faith. He wasn’t preachy about it, he just had a beautiful, private faith, between him and his god; he didn’t need to push it on anyone else. He had his reasons, he knew them, and that was enough. That gives me hope in a dying world.”